50 shades of dark circles under my eyes
Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b..ch.
An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion
Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.
Behind every successful person, there’s a lot of unsuccessful years.
Cancel my subscription because I don't need your issues
Cheated You Because Today Is A Cheat Day
Cheated you because today is a Cheat day
Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.
Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?
Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance.
Dance like nobody wants to watch you
Dear Life. Could you at least start using lubricant?
Deja Poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.
Ding dong your opinion is wrong
Do no harm but take no shit
Don't be ashamed of you it's your parents job
Don't chase,get chosen
Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.
Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.
Everyone has right to be stupid but you are overusing it
Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Excuse me, which level of hell is this?
Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed!
Fifty shades of tired
Find your patience before I lose mine.
Find your patience before i lost mine
Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived!
Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Have a nice idea
Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”
Hello my name is your "New Crush"
Here let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.
Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that”.
I almost gave a f..ck. Scared the shit out of myself.
I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
I am a nice person. Just don’t push the b..ch button.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
I am currently experiencing life at the speed of 15 wtf’s per hour.
I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I facebooked you.
I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.
I believe in annoyed at first sight.
I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously. I’m not being mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell and I like to joke around. Why are you crying?
I clapped because it's finished not because i liked it
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
I don't believe in plastic surgery, But in your case go ahead!
I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
I don’t have a bad temper. I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
I don’t know where all this crap about me being a “difficult person” is coming from. I’m a constant f..cking delight.
I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.
I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.
I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.
I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.
I like my coffee how I like myself: Dark,bitter,and too hot for you.
I love replacing my feelings with new clothes
I m a cute little devil
I m busy right now,I'll ignore you other time
I m cool but global warming made me hot
I may look calm but in my mind, I’ve killed you three times.
I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.
I need a boyfriend that understands
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I take super-hot showers to practice burning in hell.
I think Dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a d..ck but you’re not real enough.
I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I would like to confirm that I do not care.
I'd rather steal your snacks than your man
I'm not always sarcastic somethimes I'm sleeping
I'm not sarcastic I'm intelligent beyond your thinking
If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I say “First of all”. Run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
If i wanted to kill myself,I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ
If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on
If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
If Life Gives You Lemon, Squeeze It And Make Lemonade
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”
If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.
If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan.
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever..
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn, you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you my love are just an ass.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
In order to insult me, I must value your opinion. Nice try though.
It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day.
It took me years to get this cute
It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone.
It’s nearly time for my Psychotic Break.
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.
I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
I’m 97% sure you don’t like me but I’m 100% sure I don’t care.
I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.
I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.”
I’m confident my last words will be, “Are you fu…ng kidding me?”
I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt.
I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat.
I’m smiling. That alone should scare you.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck.
I’ve got heels higher than your standards.
I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” To “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”
Just another Dreamer
Keep it cool like my ice tea
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain out there
Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
Life is a game with snake's on every level
Life is a soup and I’m a freaking fork.
Life's good, you should get one
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why.
Long time no see!
Look at you, you’re in perfect shape. For a circle.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
Me pretending to listen should be enough for you
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
Most people have “Ah ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments.
My alone time is sometimes for your safety.
My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted b..ch. But not a fool.
Mystery is synonymous with me!
Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
Negativity doesn't go with my pictures
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
Oh darling. Go buy a Personality
Oh sure, you’re smart. Sesame Street smart.
Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.
Oh, you hate me? Join the club! There are weekly meetings at the corner of F..ck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.
Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a f..ck what they’re talking about.
People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah me neither.
Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.
Roses are red and i m going back to bed
Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
She was simple like quantum physics
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. No one cares.
Shut your mouth and then speak
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
Some people are a human version of a migraine.
Some people are just treasures that you just want to bury them.
Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.
Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.
Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so i could Slap eight people at once
Sorry if I looked interested, I m not
Sure I do marathons, On Netflix!
Sure I’ll help you out. The same way you came in.
Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, Okay?
Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.
Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Thank god I got a good bank of photos
Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.
that I'm single
That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
That’s a pretty dress. Too bad you couldn’t find it in your size.
The B..ch Slap. Keeping a..holes in line since 1836.
The difference between a pizza and your opinion is that i only asked for the pizza
The eyes are useless when the mind is blind
The Mondayest Tuesday Ever.
The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.
There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
There’s someone for everyone. And the person for you is a physiatrist.